Thursday, July 26, 2012

Beginnings

First, let me note, perhaps for the only time on this blog, that Claudia Wyndencrafte is a pseudonym.  A pen name.  A safe haven somebody I have created to give myself the freedom, the permission, the...space...to write.  There's something to be said in having an identity where you feel you can speak and not feel like you are standing naked in front of a crowd.  So for all intents and purposes, my name is Claudia.  Ask me for no other name- I will not share it.  I do not willfully walk naked among strangers.  There are good and strong reasons for that, reasons you will likely read later on as I continue my blog.

I am on the better half of my twenties- not young and not thirty.  I am deliberately unenlightened- no religious path wants me up in their face questioning as much as I do.  Oh, I've tried to fit in- numerous times, with numerous affiliations- but nothing seems to click in a precise way.  I'm a hunter-gatherer spiritual sort of being- I hunt for what I need, I gather what I can, and if it seems dangerous or freaks me out, I walk the other way.  I've tripped and fallen all over the paths to enlightenment, so in recent years, I've given up the walk altogether- despite the lingering hunger.  There are good and strong reasons for that, too.  I promise to tell those stories over time.

I am a musician- albeit a poorly disciplined one.  I rely on my strengths and my desires when it comes to music, and tend to discard the rest.  I am, perhaps to some, perceived as a conservatory drop-out, despite having actually made it through conservatory training.  I do not retain the conservatory edge- I am just as free-spirited, lazy, and last minute as I've always been.  Music works for me because it sings through my veins...sure, it works better when I practice for hours a day...but who wants to do that?  Sometimes the best sounds in the world are ones that embrace the silence.  And sometimes I just need a shot of the silver- straight to the mouth, without thinking...and that's when the instrument steps in.

I am a survivor- of many things- and a passionate advocate for other survivors who have shared similar experiences.  No doubt you will hear me rant more than a few times for justice in the name of survivors of sexual assault, spiritual abuse, and workplace abuse.  If I speak, it is because it is just that important.  I still carry a hefty amount of shame and self doubt from surviving that trifecta myself, but I also know that it does no one good to keep that shoved inside.  (Still, I also know it does no one good to shove it in everyone's face, either.)

I have a moderately severe case of panic disorder, infused with some PTSD, and it bears repeating because I am CERTAIN there will be times when my blogs just plain old won't make sense.  When anxiety hits, it is as if everything except my brain shuts down...and my brain becomes an evil supervillain.  It's not your average case of stage fright- it can go from "Did I leave the oven on?" to "What if I'm dead by tomorrow morning?" in less than 60 seconds.  It worsens during major transitions in my life, and then chooses to settle itself on its own terms.  It is an everyday battle to try to control those terms, and recently, I've not had a firm grip on my anxiety.  I'll share my tips and techniques, but if anyone reading this has similar experience, please know that I am not a doctor, nor am I much of a model patient.  I have a love-hate relationship with pharmaceuticals, have seemingly exhausted all naturopathic remedies, and flip-flop on therapeutic techniques.  If you read a post about anxiety and how I cope with mine, take it with a grain of salt...don't go asking your doc for a wonder drug (there aren't any, I promise you) or start eating dandelions out of your yard...do your homework.  And talk to your support networks.  I wouldn't be where I am today without mine.

I am a researcher, and occasionally will refer you to other writings, posts, and etc.  You will not hurt my feelings if you don't check them out, but if it so moves you, hey, read on.  I research lots of things.  I have an unusual affinity for all things nonfiction and an odd knowledge about, well, numerous oddities.  I love to fill my head up with things.  That may contribute to my anxiety, but I doubt that will stop me from reading.  Feel free to throw ideas and comments my way any old time. 

And, as of six days ago, I am a wife.  Talk about your major adjustments.  I married a man I chose to follow on a concentrated whim, after three years of reconnecting through any available means, a year of cohabitation, and some fragmented months of being high school sweethearts.  I love him and cherish him- he is gentle, patient, considerate, and selfless...in essence, all of the things I am not.  Yes, that triggers some major anxiety.  And yes, I can tell you that fairy tales are a bunch of phony baloney.  But the reality of our relationship is that it works- well.  And we need each other because we love each other.  I'm redefining love every day- I suspect that is what people call "growth".  I don't quite understand marriage yet, but I...or rather, we...are willing to learn.  There's certainly a lot that people leave out when they send their well wishes- things you don't expect to encounter!

What you'll find here are bits and pieces of everything I've mentioned here.  You'll hear about my transition to wifehood.  You'll hear about things I find interesting and things I get sloppily passionate about.  You'll hear about anxiety...possibly a lot.  And you'll hear about successes and failures.  I won't bother to censor, sugarcoat, or otherwise manipulate my experiences besides utilizing a few pseudonyms here and there to protect the innocent.  ;)  In short, you get a strange diary of a strange person who, strangely enough, writes to confirm how strange she really is.

Welcome aboard!

~*~Claudia~*~