I need to talk about it.
Slowly, casually, with measured words at first.
Then build it up into a motherfucking whipped frenzy of furious flurries of phrases that don't even make sense anymore.
I'm feeling things. I don't like feeling things. I like thinking things. I like tuning out to the sounds of a beautiful mind.
Feeling means fear. Fear is to be avoided.
But I'm angry.
And I need to talk about it.
It's a stupid reason to be angry. It's even a stupid thing to be upset about. But I'm angry anyway. And upset anyway. And I need to talk about it.
And there's no one to listen who will HEAR me.
So I'm here. Because one way or another, I. Need. To. Talk.
Because when your former cult leader disbands your cult and uses the name to create a goddamned gaming site...apparently that's what you do.
Years of my life WASTED in a group that decided that the fantasy realm was the safest place for them. Years of my life running from a death threat under this groups name, and his nefarious fake Christ leader.
I don't even know how to feel, really. I'm just shaking, or vibrating. I'm hot in my face and cold in my limbs. I'm sensitive and irritated by the little sounds around me. I'm remembering the guy that talked to my mother months ago, asking about me all creepy-like. Reading the on-screen image that he's the leader of this gaming site. In the same name as my old cult. That my old cult leader is now second in command to this guy. He's a moderator. A general. But not THE moderator, not THE general. Sensibly, I'm happy he's demoted, deflated. Sensibly, i actually hope hes just a casual gamer now. Insensibly, I'm absolutely baffled how a narcissist could stoop to being second in command.
And most Insensibly, I'm blown away that a gaming website would retain the same name and claim so much innocence to its operations. This group boasted about surviving the eventual End of Days...and its leaders are really going to pretend it's all been part of some kind of game forum?!
I feel that powerful wave of rage and doubt again, just like in the old days. I'm doubting that this website could be just what it says it is...I feel like it hides behind its guise and anyone who knew the history of V.C. Would snap this door wide open. I'm raging because if that's truly the case, people can get hurt, lead in, drawn to it under false pretenses and then manipulated until they leave the group.
And yet...what if I'M the crazy one this time?
Maybe they're not the same people. Maybe there are two people out there with the same name, the same age, and the same 1997 founding date of V.C. that they claim to have. This website started in 2012. Maybe it's all coincidence. Maybe I'm even wrong about what I believed I was a part of...
Maybe I should stop thinking about it. It's not harming me anymore, so what should I care anyway?
A goddamn gaming website. All this bullshit talk about God and the Truth and Open Honesty. And you take that name, however profane, and use it to hide behind in some fucking gaming community, mocking what little good I could have held it up to. Now you sit and drink Mountain Dew and wait for a bunch of zombies to click your little screen, either so you can pump them full of your fucked up riddles or pepper them with your game comtrollers. Either way, it's bullshit.
I'll tell you what. My experiences weren't a game. And they sure as hell weren't just some RPG shit that you talk about. I hope for your sake that you're being goddamn sincere on your site and you're not running some fucked up truth harem behind some World of Whatever goggles trying to sex your way into someone's brain. I HOPE you're actually BEING mindless. It would be a welcome change.
I'd still feel better if you didn't refer to yourselves as an army, though.
Bah. What do I care? If its not hurting me...
I'd talk about it if I knew how.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
