I can't sleep. I'm too angry.
Too disgusted with the human race tonight. Too infuriated by political agendas, legal loopholes, and people who dodge the responsibility to be decent fucking human beings. Too much. It is too much tonight.
It's a night where I'm glad I sit alone in my bedroom and have nothing better to do then write in this stupid blog.
Injustice makes me insanely angry. I believe in unfaltering fairness- something that I know doesn't exist in this world. But I believe in it all the same. I try to practice it daily. I own up and take responsibility when I fail or neglect to be fair. So it would make sense, I think, to expect that of others. That whole golden rule thing comes into play.
But life is not fair. And neither are the people in it.
You know how I know this? Because over a year ago, I worked in a town where I was chased out of my job. I got reprimanded almost daily. I was punished for being ill at work. People called my home and harrassed me, leaving voice messages and ringing me in at all hours of the night. Support groups in place for my position suddenly dropped their funding and pointed their fingers at me. People began making up accounts where I had said something or done something inappropriate, and anyone who defended me suddenly became silent. The lawyer I was appointed was batting for the other team because I was young enough to not need protection, or rather, not require the kind of protection I needed.
I experienced workplace abuse in the worst possible way- the kind where they can hide it in legal documents, claim hearsay, and state that everything "was documented". Nothing was ever questioned. I was never supported or protected. I was burned at the stake.
And now, almost a year and a month later...I find out that this same place...has been defaming me to future employers. And there's nothing I can do about it, because "good faith" practice dictates that they have the right to speak what they believe is the truth.
And it's bullshit.
I applied to over 70 jobs in the last 6 months. I had at least 6 interviews. I received a lot of "2nd place" phone calls. And in my last interview, I found out why. I had been charged with "unprofessional conduct" by my previous place of employment. And only one person remains in that locale. Only one that would even know my name well enough to speak ill of it. And it was the man who was hell-bent on destroying me. Either I would quit or I would be fired. And he knew I had to stay to collect unemployment. So he browbeat me until I collapsed- and then, when I did, he found a loophole in the contract that gave him grounds enough that a lawyer wouldn't push it too far- and fired me.
But I was supposed to have a neutral recommendation.
Society dictates that if you tell a prospective employer not to contact a previous employer, that sends a red flag and shuts down any possibility of being employed anyhow. Naturally I didn't want to ruin my chances. So I trusted that the settlement that was agreed to by my lawyer and that town would be honored.
What a fucking moron I was.
My lawyer- surprise, surprise- is suddenly unreachable. The people who are her closest contacts are some of the people who I later found out, destroyed me. Half the district's evildoers have higher positions now. And the monster? Still gloating. Apparently to everyone in the state. So that's it.
Cornered doesn't begin to describe it. Angry doesn't graze the surface of it. Betrayal is so deep that you could drop a penny into the pit and never hear it hit bottom.
And unjust. Oh, GOD, the injustice.
The central abuser is a pillar of society now. Surrounded by his damned minions and his pen-and-paper accusations. All I wanted to do was move on. I thought if I let them dismiss me, it would finally be over. I thought that if I left town and never spoke of it again, I'd be all right. I'd find work again.
But people are evil. And they like to chase others. And watch them crumble.
And all I can do is hope and pray that someone does the same thing to them.
Only with ten times the ferocity.
This is where the human mind finds the word revenge appealing. When something or someone acts in such a way that it destroys your way of life, instinct kicks in- fight back. Unfortunately, fighting back has repercussions, and if you're a good citizen, well...you figure out pretty quick that fighting back will only hurt you again. But some people ignore that. I wish I could be one of those people. But I'm not. I like being a good citizen too much.
But this is the last smackdown from "the system" that I can take. And I don't know how, or with what means, but I will work and live and thrive outside of large public corporate structures if it kills me. I will trust no one and no thing, and no system and no place, and no belief and no "mindset", and if anyone or anything demands that of me, I will run, as fast as I can, in the opposite direction. (I might make an exception for my husband.)
Rest in peace, trust. Rest in peace, respect. Rest in pieces. I'll miss you. I'll miss the faith I had in the judicial system, in the system of checks and balances within a workspace...I'll miss feeling like I could finally have some normalcy in my life.
Because as long as I live, I will never go back to working in that part of the public sector. Ever. Again.
I'd like to keep my soul while it's still battered and breathing.
If it is, anyway...
Motherfuckers.
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