Dear John Doe:

John, Johnny, Jimbo. Jigga-whatever-you-have-become, whatever you are, whomever you'll be. Dear man of many stories, dear creature who longed to be a father, dear defrocked career-man, dear thinker of things to help others unthink, dear dead ex-compatriot of compassion, dear soul long forgotten, dear damaged son, dear lonely one, I write this aloud to you.

Dear Jeff, Jeffrey, JFB, Jiffy Lube, Jesus-For-Short, Jesus-You're-Not, and Jeez-What-the-Hell-Did-I-Get-Myself-Into. Dear wounded one, dear suffering spiritual soldier, dear sultry sexually sinister lover, dear creeper undercover, dear freaky cultic front runner, I sign my name as a last farewell to you.

You who both have lingered in my thoughts for years. You who have been the ink for a thousand tears stained to paper...I write this now, many years later, a few minutes wiser, a few scars less of a hater, to put words of absolution to my lips. I mean after all this time I believe your rips at my soul...were not all full of evil intention. I believe your hearts were not always hell bent on aggression, I believe the time is now for a full confession and

My.
Confession.
Is.
Forgiveness.

I forgive, because I cannot live with anything less.
I forgive your cuts, your lies, your denegrated mess.

I don't know why it had to happen today, with these words, on this blog, in this way, but all I know is that they, those, them, who would wish otherwise will turn their eyes away and it would never matter what I had to say, no matter how loud I said it. Just like no matter how many times I walked away from your foundations I regretted it, even if it was the best thing for me. I have finally emerged from the roiling sea of pain, and the only thing that keeps my boat from pitching is thinking I need to hold on. So that I do t forget that the dreams I had came from a noisy throng of extreme black-and-white songs that screamed for change. Now I know I can toss and throw away the items I gave you in exchange...the heart, the soul, the body ripped raw, are renewed and reborn, it's taken some time to heal, to get warm...but I have.

And so today in the name of everything I once stood for, I let go of the loyalties I used to make good for, and I embrace the change of the winds in my sails and I set you free. I let go of who I need you to be.

So you monster, you coward, you psycho-sociomaniac, you rapist, you fiend, I send it all back with a ribbon wrapped round the emotion that brought you. I have yelled, I have screamed, I have cursed, cried, and fought you, and discovered In all of this that no one has won. And I have no further desire to need to come undone. We are young, and our souls can change and morph and find peace.

And I need to find mine, and unbind the crease in my heart that believes that no one and nothing is good. And to do that, I must let go, and let go I should.

This is the last you will hear from me. This is the last of the past that will not set me free. This is the last dream you'll enjoy inside my head, this is the last nightmare you'll prance through my bed. I am finished. That part of my soul now lies dead and prepared to spring forth from the ashes anew. And it is my deepest wish that yours does the same too.

I hope you begin on a path of new truth, with idealism in your heart and a fountain of youth springing forth from the oceans of ideas you have. I hope you use your power with caution, humility, a laugh, and with all of the wisdom one can glean from a paradise lost in a dystopic scene.

Goodbye, J-men. Goodbye, John Does. The greatest and worst people I ever did know.


***

This letter-poem is written as an homage to a promise I have made to myself today, that I will no longer dwell on my past between my ex-cult-leader-lover and my past with an ex-therapist. I purposefully delete them from my mind with as much willpower as I can, and instead I carry with me the lessons I have learned from my experience. I no longer permit myself to hold ill will, pain, or space for feeling for/about these two people. I forgive them. I forgive myself. It is time to move on.

Thank you for reading.

***




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad