Sunday, July 28, 2013

Transition to Stasis

It's hard to explain exactly what it means.

I mean, it's just a word.  One simple little word.

Rehired.
Reclaimed.
Good enough to come back.
Rewarded for being what was needed.

For me...reawakened.
For me...renewed.
For me...reminded...that good enough isn't a package of ingredients with things I lack.

And yet, I know that a pittance one year contract won't define my redemption.  Deep down, I still know that at a moment's notice, anything can happen, the clocks can turn back, and I can be cast aside again.  Even in a new place, a new home, with new people.

I'm wary, but at peace.

Maybe it's something about that afternoon when two other colleagues in my department took me out to lunch on the last day before our vacation, and lunch lasted from high noon to bar closing time.  Maybe it's something about standing on the edge of a cliff listening to live music and daring to sing along.  Maybe it's something about a little city you've known all your life to be "no big thing" until you walked all up in its insides.  Maybe it's the boss who heard my story and gave me a chance anyway.  Or maybe it's the retired gentleman whose seat I now replace who held my hand warmly in November and said, gently, "It's just a feeling I get with you- you're going to be just fine here- and happy- for as long as you  want to be."

Maybe there's hope.

My roots are not ready, but my heart is.
We'll see, Claudia.  Wait and see.

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